Published on 01/17/2025 12:00 by Evie

Who Even Am I?

So this one will be a bit different, along with the next few posts as well. I was given 4 prompts from my therapist (Hello if you are reading this!) about topics that I am working on in therapy. As this is my blog and it is a nice void I can scream into and focus my more creative writing energy I decided that this would be a good place to start.

So let’s get into the first of these prompts, “What does identity mean?”

Defining Identity

In a very simple way, identity is simply what groups one could be put under and consolidated down. In my case I suppose an example would be the fact that I am a trans person. I am a gender that is different than the one assigned to me at birth. Further I might describe myself as a transsexual, as someone who has changed their material sex to be different than that assigned to them at birth. However, this surface level reading of groups, beliefs, ideals, etc. isn’t getting at the true reason of WHAT identity actually means. Sure we could spend weeks and weeks going over every little minutia and possible aspect of myself that could be broken up and dismantled to be considered a part of this rigid idealized form of identity but it doesn’t help understand the process or what it even means to be identified.

So I guess the first step of this process will require me to actually think about identity and its different facets and ideals rather then simply a list of things I could be, unwillingly or not, placed under.

Defining What Could Even Have an Identity

Imagine a dog, does that dog have an identity? Does it have an internal recognition of the groups that it belongs too? Does it have an ideal of the society and reality in which it exists? Does it understand its place in the hierarchy of life somewhere between an amoeba and God itself?

In my mind, the answer to that question is that the dog does not. That the dog remains blissfully unaware of the context of its existence in relation to the view of the people it relies on. The dog does not need an identity and as such does not have one. After all, what would having an identity do for the dog? Will it convince those in charge of taking care of said dog to give it more food? Better food? Softer beds? Or would it simply complicate it’s relationship with the very thing that it has grown to rely on, its owner.

I guess the first step towards having or even needing an identity is to be independent, to be free of ownership or reliance on another. After all, can one even have an identity independent of those who are the sole source of comfort and safety, or would any identity that could possibly even be formed be built around them and as such not be an independent expression of self but rather an amalgamation of expectations, ideals, and thoughts solely connected to the ones that it depends on.

Defining What Identity Could Mean

Imagine an independent dog, does THAT dog have an identity? I would almost imagine that dog would HAVE to have an identity, after all without having everything provided for it, without having its entire existence predicated on another eventually it would have to develop its own ways of doing things, its own methods of getting food, water, shelter, etc. and as such would eventually, independently develop its own self through sheer necessity if nothing else.

I guess what I take away from this is that identity is the definition of an individual self. How one does things, approaches stuff, and carries themselves when there is nothing BUT themselves. Identity is what makes someone independent from another and how we differ from others. I guess in this sense, identity is the tool we use to differentiate ourselves from each other and become our own person. Identity is differentially defined and means how one self actualizes and becomes independent.

Implications of Identity

Given the two thought experiments and philosophizing above, now comes the question of, if this is what identity is, then how does it play a place in my life. Between the two example above I feel as though many people will empathize with the independent dog, seeing the challenges but also appreciating the effort and value in becoming their own self, in becoming differential to the other, in their independence and their ability to define who and what they are. Meanwhile I feel like many people will pity the dependant dog, never getting to feel that independence or sense of self, being constantly defined and redefined with no true control over who they are or will become.

However, I don’t feel like that at all.

Is Identity worth it?

If identity is defined by the difference to any other and through the independent development of the self, I honestly feel as though, at least for myself, that identity is not only not worth the work it would take to develop, but would actually be detrimental to myself.

Identity as a Friction

When I consider the independent dog, I consider the fact that their options are to either remain independent forever or to subject themselves to the friction that their very identity precludes. If identity is differential and how we compare ourselves to any other than necessarily there is going to be friction when one encounters any other. Eventually there WILL be a difference be that social, spiritual, material, etc. and when I imagine that friction it makes me extremely sad. The individual with an identity independent of the desires of the other will inevitably run into friction in their interpersonal relationships, especially as those relationships deepen.

The individual with an identity becomes one who is consistently and continuously subject to friction with others, with friends, with family, and with themselves.

Lack of Identity as a Lubricant

Comparatively the dependant dog is never going to have this friction in their lives. When others identities are established the dependant dog adapts and avoids the friction entirely. Being able to recraft themselves into exactly the individual needed for any particular situation and as such not only avoid the friction but perhaps even using their own lack of identity as a social lubricant that can help others avoid feeling the friction of the intersections of different identities and selves. The dependant will get to live a life free of the friction of identities and individual self without necessarily giving up the individual other either. The adaptability and versatility of the identity defined through collaboration with the other rather then differentiation offers that advantage. Additionally, this approach to identity offers the least resistance and work required to embody, the identity stems not from work done by the individual but rather the work needed by others.

While some may say that the dependant dog lacks a self or perhaps even any idea of who or what they are I would argue that they are wrong. The dependant dog knows exactly who they are and who they are to be, they are what other’s demand of them and they are to be the one’s who help remove that friction caused by identities. Their sense of self and who they are changes but the underlying goal, the underlying shape of it remains the same. They are dependant and exactly what is needed for the individual other.

When Dog Meets World

There are, of course, natural implications of these two paths, of having an identity vs making one. Specifically when there is no individual other with which to define one self.

When There is no Individual Other

This is where the dependant dog runs into issues, and it is a bit ruf (sorry I have to). In this case the dependant dog has nothing, they are not only alone in the physical sense but also the metaphysical. They have no guiding principles or self to base off of, there is nothing that is intrinsic to who they are and they lack the ability to even try if they wanted to. The dependant dog without an Individual Other to depend on will simply wither away and die. The food bowl will not be refilled, the water bowl will dry out, and the dog door will never open. The dependant dog is necessarily that, dependant on the individual other. They cannot find their own food, they cannot drink their own water, and most importantly they cannot escape from their own selves.

When the dependant dog losses the individual other they rely on they must immediately find another to replace them, regardless of the changes that may cause, regardless of the consequences, regardless of if that new individual other is good, bad, or ugly, it does not matter. Without another, the individual dog will die, mentally, metaphorically, and then physically.

In contrast though, this experience of losing one’s individual other may very well be a rare occurrence. After all why would someone ever leave such an adaptable and consistent dog. One that can meet any need, change anything, and be exactly who they want said dog to be?

Implications for Myself

If it hasn’t become clear yet, I very much see myself in the dependant dog (after all I am a puppygirl right?). I see my position as one meant to fill the gaps and voids that often create friction between others and to mold myself into the exact thing necessary at any moment or any given time. However, this does come at some cost. It means constantly looking for where I have not changed, where I could be better for those individual others and needing to fill those gaps. While that effort can, at times, be exhausting I would still take that over having to be forced into dealing with the friction of the other.

So I guess, I am what others want me to be and what others need me to be. I am the emotionally intelligent ear you can talk to, the friend you can “shoot the shit with”, the conflict manager, the loving spouse, etc., etc.

I am someone with no definition except for being happy to help and hope that in doing so I can help myself.