Published on 06/05/2024 12:00 by Evie

Dropping The Mask

Hey look, a post on my blog that is ACTUALLY on schedule, NEAT!

Introduction

This week I want to explore masking, what makes a mask, and dropping said mask. These thoughts were kinda spurred on by the reaction to the last article. Since publishing it we have had multiple people reach out to not only discuss their own plurality, but also about how we all, essentially, wouldn’t have known had I not written that article or they didn’t reach out. Now there are exactly 0 statistics on this, but I would bet that all of us happening to be friends close enough to read the others blog couldn’t have been random chance. This my friends, very well could be a classic case of seeing through each others masks.

And so the thoughts are off…

What makes a mask?

Ignorance, self hatred, and a desire for a constructed normalcy…or psychological trauma, take your pick.

The mask

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a mask you might be wondering what I mean by “reading through each others masks”. Masks are essentially “acts” that individuals outside of the cultural norm put on in order to either decrease or eliminate their perceived difference from the norm. As an example, a neurodivergent individual might limit or prevent themselves from using self soothing techniques like stimming in public, even if it is detrimental to their mental health. Masking is also closely related to the idea of “passing” as well such as trans people passing as cisgender or neurodivergent people passing as neurotypical.

Depending on the person and their own perception or understanding of the parts of themselves they are masking, it can take many different forms and effects. People who mask might be entirely unaware of the fact that they are masking or even what they are masking, in these cases the mask might even be perceived as a part of someones actual self to the point that the friction that masking is causing to the individual is chocked up to entirely normal life stressors, this case is what I would like to call the “No more then usual” phenomenon due to the response offered from individuals when probed usually being “No more then usual” when the usual amount should be 0.

The usual amount is 0!

As I brought up earlier, the unperceived masks are usually the most difficult and pervasive types for those experiencing them. Not only are the maskers unaware of the underlying phenomenon that they are masking, but they tend to use mental defense mechanisms to defend their masking and to perpetuate their masking as well. Due to my personal experience this is seen most heavily for myself in what are colloquially termed “eggs” but would realistically just be “closeted trans women”. As a previous “egg” myself, I often had thoughts, dreams, and an underlying want to not be a boy/man, my mind often goes back to “the button” test in which participants are asked “would you hit a button that would change your gender permanently?” usually with a cash prize if one does. My response to these questions has almost always been that I would push the button, regardless of the prize involved, or sometimes even if doing so came with a cost. However, despite this if someone had asked me “Do you ever think about being a girl” my answer at those times in the past likely would have been “No more then the usual amount”. This my friends, describes this particular type of masking, in which someones internal desire for something is suppressed not through conscious suppression but rather the unconscious assumption that what you are masking is actually just the norm. Every guy really wants to be a girl, but you’re weird if you acknowledge that reality is such a strange statement but it is what underlies this type of masking.

As for this masking being he most difficult and pervasive types, I would say that many people who I have met with similar experiences to this have spoken about how doing so had really hurt them, myself included. This type of masking often leads to people delaying treatment for conditions that could be genuinely helped be they medical, psychological, or social. Often times individuals using this type of mask can continue to do so for decades or even entirely life times without ever being able to take that mask off. This pervasive and continuous damage is not easily undone and the longer one continues to use said masking the deeper those wounds tend to go. Additionally, psychological examinations have even gone as far to ask seemingly benign questions in order to get those “no more then usual” responses.

As far as YOU need to know

The next ype of masking it what I would call conscious masking. This type is usually present in individuals who are aware that there is an underlying thing they are masking over, but usually in a way that prefers full time repression over temporary masking. This would be the kind of masking you might see in young children of conservative religious parents in which even lowering the mask in good company might lead to them facing serious repercussions to their lives, or for those who are devoutly religious and may see their gender dysphoria or same gender attractions as a negative thing to be hidden from others. These masks are very often taken on and worn for the perceived protection of their wearer more so then the conscious effort of keeping it on. In addition to this they often come with a deeply reinforced shame and self hatred of ones own identity, feelings, or reality simply because if it were to ever split their very lives might be severely negatively impacted.

As someone who has lived the reality in which the very real possibility of parental backlash kept me from authentically embracing myself I can say that the wounds associated with this mask cut very very deep and are extremely difficult to let go let alone work through. There is not only the internalized self hatred that secured that mask on but also there is a constant and ever present sense of guilt after it has been taken off. There is the sense that in doing so and unmasking that even those who might have surprised you and were entirely accepting are actually simply “putting up” with the authentic you while wishing that previous masked version would return.

I need to get paid!

The last and final type of mask is the one that is both entirely voluntary to put on and the masker is entirely aware of their masking. This type of mask I often refer to as the “I need to get paid” mask due to the most common use being for employment. This mask is the least harmful to those wearing them and are very often taken off once the clock hits 5. These masks do still take a toll of their wearers but it is a much lower impact and often times don’t require the deep introspective healing that the other types of mask do.

As a wear of an I want to get paid mask, all i can say is that I wish I worked somewhere that would allow me to take it off, but otherwise i’ll gladly keep wearing it to keep that pay check flowing in.

Taking it all off

What happens when it is all gone?

Slipping and sliding

The first experience that many people who are masking deal with is their mask “slipping” in some way shape or form. This is a phenomenon where an individual who is masking unconsciously lets small tells through in their behaviors, speech, or even in their own thoughts. This can often lead to distress in those who are unaware or forcibly choosing to mask. This reaction usually comes from either the unknown cause of the thoughts or actions in the case of those unaware or distress due to something breaking repression for those who are aware and still forcing themselves to mask 24/7. Often times these events can lead to entire day long break downs for those people as they grapple with what seems to be either an anomaly in their thoughts or an entirely unwanted thing rearing its ugly head. Either way, slipping is often a negative thing for those wearing a mask and honestly should not be brought up when it comes to being around those wearing masks due to the increased distressed caused by others noticing.

Reaction, Reaction, Reaction

Probably the most important moment for an individual dealing with taking off their mask for the first time is the reaction of those with whom they do so, even if it is just themselves. The reactions of others or our own internal thoughts and biases are often what spur on the original mask anyway so if someone is experimenting with removing their mask or simply dealing with a larger then average slip the reaction to said experience can largely change how that individual continues or doesn’t continue to wear their mask. Often times these reactions are even the original reason why masking happens in the first place, where a person might express something like liking the same gender or finding activities that help sooth their mental reactions but due to negative reactions from others will begin hiding those parts of themselves or even as far as denying that they ever even wanted to do those things in the first place.

One of the reasons that my personal philosophy has changed a ton since I started transitioning is because I had this exact experience. I found that reactions from people like my family and from others for something that largely didn’t affect them had serious effects on me. However, I have found that through transition, and through removing the mask of my “boysona” if you will, I found a deep love for who I was and a mental calm that I had never experienced for as long as I could remember. From that point forward and through my own experiences of slowly unmasking, I have adopted the principle that people understand themselves and what makes them happy far more then I ever could, and that reacting positively and with grace and love for everyone is the best way forward. Allowing others to unmask, even if they don’t fully understand themselves, even if it is just trying something out, even if they end up being wrong, allows them the space to be authentically themselves and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Live naked girls and dead clothed boys

To bring a close to the unmasking section I wanted to talk about unmasking as a process and a “club” more so then an al or nothing in someones life. For a long time queer, neurodivergent, BIPOC, and many other minorities have had to code switch and mask up for certain events, people, and places. The reason this section is title as it is was both because I love the tribe8 song and because I lived the reality of being both a live naked girl and a dead clothed boy in a metaphorical sense. For about a year after coming out to friends as trans I continued to live, for all intents and purposes as a boy who was basically a dead husk for everyone else. Meanwhile when I was around those I was comfortable with and exploring my own identity and self I was living as the girl (well girl ish) I am now. That my friends is the truth for most people taking off that mask, it is almost always something that is done in temperance and not a permanent change, even now I keep the boymode as an option if it is truly and fully necessary (although it hasn’t been in over a year now) simply because, there very well may be another time where I have to be a dead, clothed boy.

The (stained)Glass Mask

Even when its on, we can still tell <3

Seeing right through you

Finally I wanted to talk about the concept of seeing through another person’s mask. Often times, as a trans woman I notice others with similar patterns of behavior that I had prior to transitioning, and often times that isn’t due to projection but rather seeing through that other person’s mask. Often times people of all identities and masks can see through others masks and in doing so we then have to balance the act of pretending like we don’t while also signaling that the individual in question should be comfortable taking that mask off. Often times this comes with an expression of our own identities, a flag, a blog or news post, or even just passing comments that show our support. There has been a lot of debate in the trans community on this topic regarding if not informing said person (referred to as the egg prime directive, a plat on the prime directive from star trek) or if telling them directly and giving them the resources would be more helpful (also know as egg cracking).

Personally, I am of the first camp. While I deeply understand the frustration and deep regret experienced by those who wish they could have transitioned sooner, I am also able to know, for better or worse, that someone telling me I was or would likely be trans would have lead to me running deeper and deeper into repression and thus transitioning even later then I did. Fundamentally, I don’t think any of us could know if another really is like us and as such, creating environments where masks can slip without issue or even be taken off entirely is to me the best and only way that we should address those who might be but don’t know.

An unknown Mascaraed Ball

Finally, on this topic of glass masks I would like to finish up the thoughts I had originally on the response I had received from others about the article on plurality. Often times those of us with similar masks will congregate simply because of a shared safety in that we are all putting on a similar act. Regardless of what that act it this has been a present and ever changing part of my life as I have begun to take the many many many masks I have worn off. More and more people whom I had felt some kind of connection with have also been wearing similar masks in some way. Often times not even knowing until we have all become comfortable taking those masks off. It is as if we where all a part of an unknown mascaraed ball, and we only truly know that once we have all left the ballroom and begin to take those masks off.

Outro

Hey y’all! Thanks for reading this weeks slightly longer, slightly more introspective, and hopefully more well written article. I would like to thank all the wonderful support I got for last week’s article and I hope that everyone here is enjoying the blogs content so far. If anyone has a topic they would like to submit an article on (yes you can do that) or simply a topic they would like my greasy little paws to cover, I am more then happy to hear about it. Hopefully I can keep the on time article flowing and as always, I hope y’all have a wonderful week <3.

Written by Evie